Men, steer clear of shorts

Posted Březen 30th, 2011 by Billabongboardshortscloths

It was the great American philosopher Master Bartholomew Simpson who announced, in the late 20th Century, that we could eat his shorts. Such a startling pronouncement should have placed these garments on the sartorial scrap heap, yet for years since men have been spotted in board shorts, ‘baggies’, and worst of all, ‘budgie smugglers‘.

But all out war has now been declared on the cut off trouser. Tom Ford, a man so stylish he makes Yves Saint Laurent look like Rab C Nesbitt, has announced that men should never, ever wear shorts or flip-flops in a city. “Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach,” said the former head of Gucci.

This will not have pleased the blokes who broke out their shorts at the slighest glimmer of Spring sunshine over the weekend. On fashion forums men have raged at Mr Ford, asking what, exactly, they are supposed to wear when the mercury rises and the public transport system becomes so hot that it would be illegal to let cattle travel on it. Should men stay in their trousers, as sweat trickles down their thighs? Has Tom Ford ever tried watching an England game in a packed pub while wearing jeans? And in the interests of equality, shouldn’t men be allowed to set their legs free just as women can?

The answer to this last question is no. Have you chaps actually seen your legs recently?

Blokes: when Tom Ford speaks, you damn well listen. The designer smoulders sex from every pore. He is one of the few gay men women would like to take to bed, and possibly the only fashionista with a half a brain: witness A Single Man, his directorial debut starring Colin Firth which was nominated for an Oscar last year.

Everything he touches turns to finely spun gold, so much so that he is brave enough to cut off shorts even as they feature in designer collections. For their Spring 2011 show, Dolce & Gabbana sent male models down the catwalk in some extremely-cropped trousers, while H&M’s menswear campaign featured a knock-kneed model who looked as if he had just climbed out of a Famous Five book.

And that’s the thing about shorts: they may be on trend, but they’re not pretty. For every David Beckham, showing off chiselled calves on the football pitch, there are 100 David Camerons. Our Prime Minister - usually a snappy dresser with a nice line in purple ties - made the mistake of stepping out in a pair of ‘board’ shorts while on holiday in Cornwall a few years ago. Board shorts, so called because you are supposed to wear them while surfing, should not be worn by anyone over the age of 21, just as no adult should ever be heard saying the word ‘dude’. Furthermore, on a windy British beach, they are about as much use as a sarong. Mr Cameron would have been better off putting on a decent pair of walking trousers, and the look on his face in his holiday pictures suggest that he knew it.

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